Putting a Condom on Backwards

This could be an object lesson, almost a fable in the right time and the proper place to give up on bad business and start again.

Of course I was young and subject to the fits of quaking desire that happen from time to time to young men. The object of my desire was willing to go along as long as I had protection. That was the euphemism for the rubber sheath that one could buy at drug stores or from the machines installed in the washrooms of downscale hotels. They come from the package rolled up into a disk with a thickened rim. You can feel this rim as a rubbery ring when they are in the package. A friend of mine, as a testament to his unwarranted optimism, carried one for so long that it embossed a corresponding ring into the leather of his wallet. He couldn’t figure out why his pals shared a private joke every time he went to pay for something. But this disk, once out of the package, had one side in which the rim was on top. It was complicated by the fact that some premium brands had a rude little protuberance called a reservoir tip which could pop out either way. Condoms are meant to unroll in a natural fashion, which can only happen from one side, without respect to which way the protuberance had popped.

I was young and I knew something was wrong as I attempted to unroll the sheath, because it tried to bind the tender skin as it was drawn on, but I persisted. Youth tend hold tight to the misconception that persistence in a course of action betrays less stupidity than a correction from an error, and I was no different. I found it was possible to roll it backwards upon itself a short way and that by stretching the rim outward I could draw it on by that distance. I had it half on by this slow and painful process before my partner demanded to know what I was doing. I explained that it was my preferred method. She muttered an oath and had it pulled off, rerolled, and properly fitted with remarkable dexterity. I hadn’t realized that she had that sort of experience.

In the time we were together, which was that instance and a meeting in a coffee shop the next day where she explained as kindly as possible that any plans I had for the future shouldn’t include her, she taught me some valuable lessons. One of those lessons was that it is a good thing that not all girls are prissy, and that a man should think better than trying to bluff his way around a woman.

© copyright Brian Hughes 2010
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